There had better be some gingerbread yumyums coming my way this year…

Posted in Of no import by collinevan on October 30, 2007

In the social class of cookie loving, I’m the peasant, serf, homeless junkie that sits on the side of the road and chews on his own teeth. I’m a loser. Why?

I. don’t. like. chocolate. chip. cookies. period.

They suck. They’re average. They’re like eating pasta without sauce (actually that’s quite good with butter, salt, and pepper). They’re like the sugar free candies that Grandma Jackie always kept in reach of the kids just to disappoint with their averageness. They’re like getting 89 cents back from a Taco Bell drive in, in pennies. They suck. They’re not good.

You’d think that since cookies are such a grave disappointment, I’d be able to feed my pearly whites with some delicious other treats. Unfortunately, my second least favorite desert is fed nearly as frequently as chocolate chip cookies. Brownies. I’d call them crapnies, but I have to act my age.

Here’s the thing people, chocolate is okay, but cut it out already. For those of us who don’t like that woof fest you call “chocolate chip cookies and brownies”, we have to endure it every time. It’s like going home and finding your fridge filled with prune juice and chilled raisins. That’s it. That’s all you’re eating. Ever.

In a perfect world deserts would be as diversely appreciated as the peoples of the earth. Chocolate supremacy would be looked down upon because, frankly, it’s kind of demeaning. We’d have strawberry appreciation month. We’d learn about the history of the Mother’s pink and white sprinkled animal cookie in our grade schools. I’d vote for affirmative dessert action, so that I could munch a parfait or even the occasional Tiramisu. But it’s not that way. As it stands, our world is ruthlessly racist against non-chocolate and no one cares if we speak up our voice.

Take notes, friends and family. I don’t like chocolate. I don’t ask for much. I don’t even want gifts this Christmas. Just a nummy nummy dessert that’s not chocolate or maybe some skittles in my Christmas stocking would be nice. Try to have a little open-mindedness for the rest of us.

edit: I’m looking back on this admonition I extended to my family. It turns out, my stocking was full of chocolate. Thanks Santa.


3 Responses

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  1. ctrbeth said, on October 30, 2007 at 4:10 pm

    Um, where do I begin.

    Chocolate rules. But there is no chocolatey ego here. The world is not forcing us (or rather, you) to eat chocolate. It’s just what a lot of people prefer. They can’t help it if their palates enjoy a good taste of cocoa deliciousness.

    It’s almost a reflex. Like when you get a hammer to the knee at the doctor. They can’t help it.

    Despite my efforts to persuade you, you are entitled to your own palates wants and desires. So, enjoy what you enjoy. I guess if I ever go to Europe, I will be bringing you back a matchbox instead of a chocolate bar.

    PS: Chocolate chip cookies are to desserts like “A Christmas Story” is to Christmas movies. A classic.

  2. Juniata said, on November 12, 2007 at 5:50 pm

    Check out the hot new items to hit the shelves this Christmas that I’ve found to be great gifts for my kids or even a friend. Photokinz is a plush animal that has a digital photo frame in its belly, and i-Sing is a portable handheld Mp3 karaoke player and I just know my 11 and 9 yr old daughters are going to love them. If anyone wants to find any information on these new items you can go to! It’s a Great Buy!

  3. Kat said, on March 17, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    Yeah I’m not all that into chocolate chip cookies. Unless they’re so fresh from the oven they’re burning my mouth. Even then, though, I can only eat a few. Now…mochi… heck yes. You should try mochi, a Japanese dessert made from rice, if you haven’t already. I do love chocolate, but I’m not into the cookies or brownies. Anything pumpkin I’ll eat. Try pumpkin maybe. There’s cheesecake, cake, bread, scones, cookies even. PIE!

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