short.cummings

Christmas Gifts for People you Don’t Particularly Like

Posted in Of no import by collinevan on November 5, 2007

Friends, family, and visitors. I present you the ultimate Christmas list. Many a freak could benefit from gifts such as these…

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The Slanket – It kinda looks like a monk robe is giving birth to a nerd in this picture. There is no reason anyone should wear one of these. But… I would love to just try one on. If it was as comfortable as it looks, I’d contemplate gaining 200 pounds and living at home while eating Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets.

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The Gun Mug – Pew Pew, Coffee! Pew Pew, Tea! Pew Pew, Lazor Gunz! If you own this mug, it’s official that you have no girlfriend or wife.

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Elf Ears Plastic Surgery – As I breathe in between laughs, I have to just say that there is nothing more awesomely rediculous as this plastic surgery procedure. I wonder what happens when the guy/girl who comes home with this done sees the deadfaced, sad reaction from their friends and family. What do you say to something like this?

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The Magic Bullet – Oh man… wait before you attack me. This thing is a joke. It would be a good idea, if you wanted to blend things one by one. Anyone who things making smoothies is easier when you fill and blend each individual glass is not a math stud. I had one of these (guilty of mass idiotry) and it was only used when we ran out of clean cups for regular beverages. There were only four. That means those cups cost us upwards of $25 a pop. I doubt Jay-Z drinks out of cups that expensive.

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Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band CD – My Brother actually got this beast for a gift and we listened to it. Don’t be fooled into thinking that this CD doesn’t have love songs.. it does. This CD is so unbelievably awful that I listen to it in awe the whole time it plays.

Want a taste? Here it is.. Thank you i-mockery. Click the links to hear the songs. The last one is particularly sensitive.
The Hulkster’s in House

Beach Patrol

Hulkster in Heaven

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Horsey Paraphernalia – Did anyone go to school with those kids that were into horseys? They had Lisa Frank trapper-keepers, long ratty hair, were quiet but had severe kid angst? Yeah, now that I think about it I wonder if I ever was offensive to those kids. I was really timid and small, so I don’t think so. But I think those horsey lover kids really freaked me out. The lived down long dirt roads.

Honestly, I’d take socks, luggage, or planner filler sheets over any of these gifts. Do the right thing.

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