Christmas Gifts for People you Don’t Particularly Like

Posted in Of no import by collinevan on November 5, 2007

Friends, family, and visitors. I present you the ultimate Christmas list. Many a freak could benefit from gifts such as these…


The Slanket – It kinda looks like a monk robe is giving birth to a nerd in this picture. There is no reason anyone should wear one of these. But… I would love to just try one on. If it was as comfortable as it looks, I’d contemplate gaining 200 pounds and living at home while eating Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets.


The Gun Mug – Pew Pew, Coffee! Pew Pew, Tea! Pew Pew, Lazor Gunz! If you own this mug, it’s official that you have no girlfriend or wife.


Elf Ears Plastic Surgery – As I breathe in between laughs, I have to just say that there is nothing more awesomely rediculous as this plastic surgery procedure. I wonder what happens when the guy/girl who comes home with this done sees the deadfaced, sad reaction from their friends and family. What do you say to something like this?


The Magic Bullet – Oh man… wait before you attack me. This thing is a joke. It would be a good idea, if you wanted to blend things one by one. Anyone who things making smoothies is easier when you fill and blend each individual glass is not a math stud. I had one of these (guilty of mass idiotry) and it was only used when we ran out of clean cups for regular beverages. There were only four. That means those cups cost us upwards of $25 a pop. I doubt Jay-Z drinks out of cups that expensive.


Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band CD – My Brother actually got this beast for a gift and we listened to it. Don’t be fooled into thinking that this CD doesn’t have love songs.. it does. This CD is so unbelievably awful that I listen to it in awe the whole time it plays.

Want a taste? Here it is.. Thank you i-mockery. Click the links to hear the songs. The last one is particularly sensitive.
The Hulkster’s in House

Beach Patrol

Hulkster in Heaven



Horsey Paraphernalia – Did anyone go to school with those kids that were into horseys? They had Lisa Frank trapper-keepers, long ratty hair, were quiet but had severe kid angst? Yeah, now that I think about it I wonder if I ever was offensive to those kids. I was really timid and small, so I don’t think so. But I think those horsey lover kids really freaked me out. The lived down long dirt roads.

Honestly, I’d take socks, luggage, or planner filler sheets over any of these gifts. Do the right thing.


10 Responses

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  1. Kos said, on November 5, 2007 at 9:01 pm

    Um, I’m wearing that horsey shirt right now.

  2. Keenan said, on November 5, 2007 at 10:49 pm

    WHAT!?!? who said you could wear my shirt!

  3. ctrbeth said, on November 6, 2007 at 12:08 am

    I want that slanket. It looks freakin’ comfortable.

    I used to love Lisa Franks (temporary lapse in judgment)

    P.S. This post rules!

  4. Mom Cummings said, on November 6, 2007 at 1:02 am

    Hey… I’m pretty sure I (mom) gave you the bullet smoothie maker… probably because I realized it was worthless. Sorry.

    P.S. I think I dated the guy in the slanket. Bummer!!!!

  5. Mom Cummings said, on November 6, 2007 at 5:54 am

    Sorry Collin…now that I think of it, that guy in the slanlet might be your real dad…just kidding !!!!

  6. Whatever-ishere said, on November 21, 2007 at 5:40 pm

    thanks for the GREAT post! Very useful…

  7. mongoose said, on March 8, 2008 at 5:00 pm

    Ahhh you sad little man. You have nothing better to do make a list of things you don’t like and wine about them to a few people. Lighten up and get a life.

  8. Potopie said, on November 2, 2008 at 8:15 am

    I actually like the ears and own a bullet.

  9. Kat said, on March 17, 2009 at 9:19 am

    Mongoose…. grammar is cool. So is spelling “whine” correctly. Anyway. I totally want pointed ears. How many people could you make feel awkward with those babies? I also now want a slanket, but not in orange. Thankfully I was never into Lisa Frank…

  10. drawn gay incest said, on July 20, 2009 at 1:59 am

    nice! i’m gonna make my own blog

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