on taking a chance, kicking my own face, and trying to justify it…

Posted in Life by collinevan on January 21, 2008

There must be someone else on this massive blue planet that feels as good about putting it all on the line as I do. If you read my last post, you probably know that I’m particularly motivated by those situations in life that the average person avoids. Why am I that way?

I decided to take an awkward chance and dish out to a close friend a number of very disarming truths about me. Most of it was motivated by the urge to apologize for my unfair mistreatment towards her. I found myself a bit interested in her and I had to get it out there. Previously, I was so unsure that I even had a chance with her. I had taken every opportunity to send mixed signals in order to feel in control. However, despite my best efforts and plastic wrapped attempts at exuding confidence, I ultimately started eating massive quantities of foot. So much in fact, that I couldn’t take it. I had to take a chance and make a change.

As I sat with her I realized what I had done. I pushed her away and emptied my entire barrel of ammunition on her so that I wouldn’t be exposed. She had no idea that I just thought she was cute and I wanted to go out. I know, most people just say it. I wish I could have. Pride got the best of me and I failed to do what the 99% of people who claim an XY gene would do.

So now I sit here, feeling awkwardly satisfied that I have a completely unforeseeable future that rests on me sucking it up and being a man. It’s a lot like those music videos where someone is sitting in a car with the window down and looking out on scenery that passes by too quickly to process. I feel good enough to soak it in and give it an honest chance. I haven’t completed much, but I put it out there. It invigorates me and validates my self-perception of being someone with resolve and ambition.

Over the course of my life, it has been the moments that have started with fear, loneliness, awkward thoughts, unsure resolutions, and failed attempts at deciding my fate that eventually culminated in the greatest lessons. In the end, I look back on them with satisfaction. Usually, it’s because the final destination of where I was going was altered without me recognizing it. I’m not sure where this one goes, but for what it’s worth I know I did the right thing. There’s something all too attractive about being humbled.

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is it possible to balance passion and prudence?

Posted in Life by collinevan on January 19, 2008

Somewhere in between prudence and passion lies the point where each person finds their professional future. I’ve learned that there’s a smattering of different ways one can hit that point, most of which start with a prudent nature, but then move towards passion. How many young college students pick a major, and grow to love it, ya know? However, people who still haven’t settled into their selected careers do well to realize that the process is dynamic and ultimately different for everyone.

In fact, finding a career I think is a lot like reading a good story for many of us.

Usually there’s a problem that has to be identified. We see some sort of need or discrepancy in the world that needs to be supplemented. Before that still is an identification of a skill or talent that we feel strongly about. In fact, we’re less likely to recognize problems with things we know little about. Essentially, it’s like a knight in shining armor noticing that there are princesses to save… it’s what he does, so he’s tuned in to that particular issue.

Now, ultimately this is where things veer in different directions for different people. There’s a whole legion of young Americans whose stories are nothing too fancy. After recognizing needs and problems, they train for them and ultimately spend a life chipping away through gradual training and experience. Some reach great heights, others settle into a portion of their story that is comfortable and consistent.

Yet others of us choose to tell more varying tales. Here’s a bit how mine goes. I’ll try to write it like a blurb on the back of a novel designed to give enough of a gist to lure someone in for 500 pages.

Growing up, Collin never knew he had an illness that would haunt him many years into the future. Now, with the rest of the world with him and against him at the same time, he races against prudence in a battle to justify his passions. Every day, Collin fights with ambition and creativity that is both empowering and disabling at the same time. One day, shortly after he decides to take a path against his and his loved ones better judgment, something happens and his life is changed forever. This is his last chance to become a name of recognition and achievement, or be lost in his own dreams forever…

It’s almost painfully awful and yet so true. I don’t know many people like me. We’re a fairly rare breed these days. We can’t shake the feeling that doing what we want is the most important thing. There are a few out there, and they would be the types to read this book. They would likely somehow do whatever it takes to justify their commitment to heed their passions at the cost of the typical life choices that makes someone, well, reliable.

Hanging in the balance of those two things, I can’t stop myself from doing what I love and somehow making it work. I’ve learned that confidence in who you are and what you can do is key. It most often gets you to where you’re going before you are actually responsible for achieving success in your endeavors. People are willing to take chances. Ultimately, however, you have to decide to make things happen.

In the meantime, I just work on being confident and powerful with some odd hope that a few people who may see me that way can spread the word and turn my dreams into being a self-made man into realities.

What I Mogged – Thurs, Jan 10

Posted in Music by collinevan on January 11, 2008

I write all over the place. I blog for a living, I write for my business, I write about music, and I very occasionally enter my thoughts here.

MOG is the site I use to blog about music. It’s a social network for the uber music geek inside. It’s a place that all my obsessive compadres like to gather and discuss and dissect music to a level that is unbearable to the common man. Really, it’s brilliant.

Since music is an inseparable part of me, I decided to force feed my personal blog readers with the occasional helping of my MOG blog. Read it, love it. Listen to the music I put up there.

What I Mogged – Thursday, Jan 10


A ginormous comet of pure awesomeness struck last year and music was declared good. I’m having trouble letting go of stuff I listened to at the beginning of the year.

Loney, Dear put out probably what is the most genius record I think I have heard in a long time. The only thing I can think of that rivals it last year was Arcade Fire’s “Neon Bible” release in the latter part of the year. Either way, I’ve been rocking both albums sufficiently for at least 2 days.

The average music fan hits that point in their life where nothing gets better. Some dudes are still only listening to Boston. That’s awesome, but things evolve and retract. There are musical ebbs and flows, but each time something is reinvented it has it’s own style and attributes.

Those of us who are pure music geeks need a chance to branch out and hear something new. We evolve in our tastes.

Could this signal the end of my evolution? Have I settled on the year 2007?

Bah, no. Those were just some wicked good albums.


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