on taking a chance, kicking my own face, and trying to justify it…

Posted in Life by collinevan on January 21, 2008

There must be someone else on this massive blue planet that feels as good about putting it all on the line as I do. If you read my last post, you probably know that I’m particularly motivated by those situations in life that the average person avoids. Why am I that way?

I decided to take an awkward chance and dish out to a close friend a number of very disarming truths about me. Most of it was motivated by the urge to apologize for my unfair mistreatment towards her. I found myself a bit interested in her and I had to get it out there. Previously, I was so unsure that I even had a chance with her. I had taken every opportunity to send mixed signals in order to feel in control. However, despite my best efforts and plastic wrapped attempts at exuding confidence, I ultimately started eating massive quantities of foot. So much in fact, that I couldn’t take it. I had to take a chance and make a change.

As I sat with her I realized what I had done. I pushed her away and emptied my entire barrel of ammunition on her so that I wouldn’t be exposed. She had no idea that I just thought she was cute and I wanted to go out. I know, most people just say it. I wish I could have. Pride got the best of me and I failed to do what the 99% of people who claim an XY gene would do.

So now I sit here, feeling awkwardly satisfied that I have a completely unforeseeable future that rests on me sucking it up and being a man. It’s a lot like those music videos where someone is sitting in a car with the window down and looking out on scenery that passes by too quickly to process. I feel good enough to soak it in and give it an honest chance. I haven’t completed much, but I put it out there. It invigorates me and validates my self-perception of being someone with resolve and ambition.

Over the course of my life, it has been the moments that have started with fear, loneliness, awkward thoughts, unsure resolutions, and failed attempts at deciding my fate that eventually culminated in the greatest lessons. In the end, I look back on them with satisfaction. Usually, it’s because the final destination of where I was going was altered without me recognizing it. I’m not sure where this one goes, but for what it’s worth I know I did the right thing. There’s something all too attractive about being humbled.

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